AMANDA (recap): I know I have spent a week longing for the return of this two-hour phenomenon; you have too, right?
It begins with a recap, which I must mention because the voice over (who is not Trumpster) is so completely over-the-top that when he recaps Jose’s departure he actually says, “and then the unthinkable happened.” Really sir, “the unthinkable?” I am fairly certain that there are some doctors who disagree with you.
LIZ (comments): It is unthinkable that a 46-year-old man’s father would be in poor health. Unthinkable! (And yes, I went to Jose’s Wiki page to look up his age after some half-assed googling failed to reveal how old his father was.)
AMANDA (response): I mean, dude had cancer or something, it’s not like he just suddenly fell ill.
Everyone is back in the hotel suite celebrating and applauding Marlee on her awesome job. Meat tries to thank her for letting John Rich keep his money for St. Jude and does it in such a hilarious manner: he’s like a sad American tourist, talking loudly and over enunciating every word…he clearly doesn’t understand “deaf.”
Hehehe. That’s the Meaty I know and love. (I don’t really know Meaty, I guess, but I always picture him being all cuddly and nice. This might be just me.)
70% of the time he totally comes across that way!
LaToya is feeling sorry for herself and is mad that Marlee felt she was the least productive member on their team, though I don’t remember that being a thing last episode.
Yeah, wasn’t she something of an MVP last episode? With her Michael panties and the best hat?
Yea, LaToya was mega paranoid this episode and then it just turned into a sad self-fulfilling prophesy situation.
The men are all talking about how Gary has got to go and Mark McGrath even says “the novelty is over for Gary Busey” and I hate to say it, but he is right, the man is a total novelty and I am kind of over his particular brand of crazy myself.
Marlee presents her million-dollar check to the head of her charity and it is very nice.
Trumpy meets the celebs on the roof of his building (?) and I have to note that he always has a gaggle of important looking people with briefcases. It’s like some kind of lame Mission Impossible remake with old white guys…shut up, Mission Impossible wasn’t already lame, it was super cool.
Its theme song certainly was!
He begins to explain the multi-million-dollar industry known as the “sun care industry” and fun fact! Trumpster says the word “industry” with an emphasis on the “dust” part… “inDUSTry.” Weirdo.
Oh man, I love the way he says inDUSTry. It’s like YOOGE. Classic Trumpy mispronunciation. I hope they do some YOOGE business deals this episode.
I hope they work with some YOOGE inDUSTries.
Australian Gold sun care products sponsor this challenge and each team is getting a 10 by 10 foot glass box in which to create an environment that captures the spirit of, “living the gold life.” (cue pirates) They will be judged on creativity, brand messaging, and brand messaging outside of the box.
Is “the gold life” an expression with which I am not familiar? Are they getting judged on brand messaging twice?
I’ve definitely heard the expression before, but I am also quite the connoisseur of sunscreen. It sounds like something Diddy would say, right? And yes, yes they did get judged on brand messaging twice.
It just sounds like someone mixed up the gold standard and the high life to me.
LaToya volunteers to be PM for the ladies and Mark McGrath (it is essential to use his full name) volunteers to be the PM for the guys. The guys are gunning to get rid of Gary and LaToya only thinks that the ladies are gunning for her.
Re Mark McGrath’s last name: truth. (a) If you just said “Mark,” I totally wouldn’t know who you were talking about, even if you did it in like 4 paragraphs. (b) Constantly using people’s full names is fun, because then you get to feel like Angela Chase or Tracy Jordan.
Absolutely true. Jordan Catalano…
I never realized how much those two characters had in common…
Trumpster says that LaToya is “very appropriate for sunscreen”…what?
Wow. I have several guesses for what that could mean, and they are all completely ridiculous. Although I guess I am less than shocked that Trumpy (Birther-NY) would say something completely nonsensical.
The winning team gets $20,000 for their pr’s charity (Aids Something or Other and Save the Music) but wait! Australian Gold will match that money. There are three Australian Gold representatives with Trumpy and not a one is Australian, disappointing. However, one is a lady named Tommy Sue.
The guys immediately and simultaneously decide to fill their box with models painted gold. They all look geeky thrilled and certain that this will be a sure win. John Rich implies that he knows a bevy (yes, bevy) of models that would be more than happy to be painted gold and shoved in a glass box. So many euphemisms and adages are running through my head right now.
Doesn’t getting painted gold kill you? I think I saw a Mythbusters about this.
I thought the SAME thing. They must now have ways to make it less deadly, otherwise a lot of people sacrificed their lives for this challenge.
And then…the most spectacular phrase ever to be uttered on primetime Sunday night television is uttered:
Mark McGrath: “…and then we can be dressed as pirates?!?”
You’re welcome.
8th grade crush: BACK ON.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The guys agree that this is the only reasonable thing to do.
They also agree that you cannot have enough, “hot chicks running around painted gold”…truth (?)
Until they all keel over from gold poisoning. And who gets blamed then? That’s right, the pirates.
YARRRRR
Meat says that the ladies have an advantage because they have Hope who was a playmate of the year (WHAAAAAAT?) and that they should paint her gold and call it a day. (These guys must have spent hours talking about painting women gold, I mean, they only showed us 10 minutes, but it seemed like they had been discussing it for some time).
That’s funny, because just before reading this paragraph, I thought, wasn’t there some sexy lady on the women’s team? What happened to her? (Although I was NOT thinking that she should necessarily be painted gold.)
Well now you know: painting women gold=awesome and should always be your go to solution.
Gary is a dissenting voice (alone to the confessional camera) he logically says that the pirate thing is wrong because “have you ever seen a pirate movie where the pirates are putting on sunscreen?” Well played, Mr. Busey.
Have you ever seen a movie about gold women where the gold women put on sunscreen? How would they ever get to be gold women?
Get on board with the sexy gold times, Lizzie!
What? A lady can’t devote her precious time on Earth to pointing out logical fallacies in Gary Busey’s rants?
Oh, okay. I thought you were criticizing the “golding” of women. My bad.
In the ladies’ war room, LaToya is delegating and, woops, she runs out of jobs for herself…oh well. Marlee and Nene are in charge of “creativity,” Hope is the prop master, and Star is on the computer again making all of the promotional crap. Then LaToya essentially refuses to come up with a theme…and Nene tosses out such good ones like “pool” and “beach” and “regular guy tossing the newspapers”…glad she’s on creativity.
“Regular guy tossing the newspapers” should be the theme of EVERY ad campaign. Thank you, Nene.
The Australian Gold posse goes to visit each team and stresses the importance of “Surfing Sidney” their logo of a surfing koala...and sure, why not?
Tommy Sue tells the guys that all age groups love it, kids, teenage boys…Gary interrupts to say “sure, gives you a sexual feeling.” What?…Gary…inappropriate. They all just blow past that moment.
Wouldn’t you?
Me? No, I would be the Amanda shaped burn mark on the back of a chair after I spontaneously combusted from horror.
I would respond the way I always do when someone says something that makes me uncomfortable: pretend I did not hear them.
That is why you will probably live 3 to 5 years longer than I will.
Lil’ John is put in charge of props, costumes and Gary.
LaToya finally decides that she wants a man and woman having beach fun times in the box. She decides this after going online and seeing that Australian Gold has already used this campaign…brilliant.
Nene is not happy. Hope volunteers to go in the box (Meat is a psychic) but LaToya thinks she really could be used better somewhere else. So now they have to spend money to hire a model. Then Star tells LaToya that they don’t have enough to order the posters and banners that she wants and LaToya is like, “I’m the boss, make it happen.” And Star is like, “ummmm hell no.” Star tries to teach her about how money works and that you can’t use money that doesn’t exist and LaToya sees this as insubordination and knows that her team is not working for her.
If I were LaToya, I would just put Nene in the box and have her verbally accost people until they agreed to buy this product. I would do listen to her. Plus, her hair is already kind of gold. What would your box be, Amanda?
I would fill my box with people who had painful looking sunburns…that’ll get em’ to wear sunscreen.
That’s actually kind of an awesome idea.
Thank you.
The men go meet their box designers and explain the pirate ship theme.
LaToya goes alone to the box designer and realizes that she has no idea what she wants. In the van, picking up props and costumes, Nene, Hope and Marlee are all trying to figure out how they are going to display LaToya’s theme of “fun.” They are pissed.
Lil’ John and Gary get a bunch of pirate crap at the costume shop, but pass on the koala outfit because Lil’ points out that it doesn’t look like the one on the brand’s logo.
The ladies take the koala costume because Marlee points out that the representatives used the word “koala” like 2,343,243 times. Nene will be the koala.
I can’t wait to see how this turns out.
Me neither. I love Nene so.
Lil’ John is stuck hanging out with Gary for like an hour while they wait for the props and Gary is being weird…you know, singing fake pirate songs, narrating the traffic and acting like a robot.
The other guys are sharing their pirate chant about sunscreen with Ivanka and I have to admit…it’s cute.
Ivanka suggests that LaToya’s beach theme is maybe too safe and LaToya agrees that they have to do “something” to make it more exciting, “something.” I wish I could say that she’s trying to be mysterious.
LaToya orders the ladies at Lowes to buy 6,000 pounds of sand.
How big is this box?
10 feet by 10 feet….they had a crazy ton of sand (or six crazy tons, if you wish to be specific).
Or, more specifically, 3 tons.
Me fail math? Unpossible!
The men are going to be great pirates, but will they be able to talk about the product line? They spend a good deal of time “weathering” a small box with whips.
Hahaha. What a delightful mental image.
The creative ladies gets back only to find out they have to help paint the set. Everyone is pissed and confused.
The morning of the event LaToya reveals that “something” is a winter element. Except, they have no supplies for this and there is no way they are going to be able to split the box in half.
Maybe LaToya doesn’t really know enough about sunscreen for this position…
The men are, of course, on top of their shit.
The ladies open a truck to reveal the 6,000 pounds of sand (apparently, someone is also in charge of now getting some snow).
BIG NEWS: John Rich has brought his little person cowboy back to play a pirate!!! He walks up to the men cradling his small cowboy friend and it is at once adorable and disturbing. Mark McGrath is delighted and says between the pirate costumes and the tan sluts they will have no trouble luring people into their “area”…which I will henceforth dub the “scarea.”
Don Jr. visits the girls’ winter wonderland beach?!? And Nene tattles on LaToya for sucking, but whilst tattling, she is wearing a koala costume and it is hilarious and we really must find pictures. She says that if the women win, then the guys must have “sucked.”
They guys are not sucking. They are united and chanting and acting like a merry gang of pirates. Oh scarea. Don Jr. approves.
It does seem like a group of gentlemen who could really pull off “merry gang of pirates.” Until Meaty starts up with the wild accusations and threats, at which time they will just turn into “convincingly pirate-like.”
Merry…Manic…Tomato…Hand Grenade…
Wait, what?
Exactly.
The Australian Gold folk go to see the ladies and seem kind of pleased. Besides the wonky theme, the ladies have a LOT of brand messaging.
Then they go visit the scarea.
Gary corners them and acts weird and will. Not. Let. Them. Leave. They look massively uncomfortable. The other men try to rescue them, but Gary will not lose his captive audience (literally).
The Australian Gold posse appreciated the men’s enthusiasm and theme, but felt they didn’t use the slogan or koala as much as they should have. They liked that the women used the slogan, but were disappointed that Hope was wearing a jacket. UMMMM.
Ha! What a very specific complaint…
Apparently everyone was hoping that this challenge would be an excuse to see Hope’s breastesses.
BOARDROOM TIME!
Nene IMMEDIATELY calls out LaToya. It is awesome. She does so in such a subtle bitchy way and she is totally on point. (Whoo! Team Nene!) Trumpster can’t believe that LaToya has any flaws, so he asks Marlee. She says that LaToya is a sweet person but has a “different style” as a PM, which is so totally true and very diplomatic. (Lisa Rinna, I question your opinions and this is me calling you out!) LaToya gets super mad about Marlee’s comments, but doesn’t react to Nene at all. It is strange. Hope gets a chance to defend her bikini-less self by saying she volunteered and LaToya turned her down. Trumpy thinks that’s a damn shame.
I honestly expect this to end with Trumpy firing LaToya for failing to realize she should have made the hot one wear a bikini. I hope/fear I’m right! I love when Trump fires people for completely psychotic reasons. (BTW, I look forward to 2013, when he gets inaugurated and immediately fires me for having tattoos you can’t see because I wear shirts to work. Either that or because my job involves making sure developers don’t do anything too evil… OK, it will probably be that one.)
Yes, but by then we will be famous bloggers (or at least show up on the “stuff white people like” website) because people love our blog….right? People? Winky face?
Then he turns his attention to the guys. He calls out Mark McGrath on his wrist tattoo because we can’t have a boardroom without awkward Trumpster observations. Meat giggles like a lady. The guys defend their creativity with their lives. Mark McGrath says that if the guys lose he will go home because his team worked so hard for him. That, my friend, is confidence and also surprising since he has been such a weird snitch up ‘til now and was really gunning to get rid of Gary.
They switch pictures and both teams criticize each other for the same reasons Trumpy just pointed out.
They discuss the Australian Gold folk’s reaction and apparently they told Trumpster how uncomfortable Gary made them. Oops…tattle tales.
And then, with very little fanfare, THE LADIES WON! Apparently the representatives from Australian Gold are not as keen on “creativity” as the ones from Camping World were. The ladies leave and Marlee and Nene hug and DAMN Nene is tall. She is like an Amazon woman.
These are braver folks than I. I feel like I would not only pretend that Gary wasn’t freaking me out, but also let him win. I am bummed about being wrong about LaToya getting fired for not putting Hope in a bikini.
I haven’t seen scenes yet, but I could totally see him making next week’s challenge a straight up bikini contest.
Fingers crossed!
There is still like 15 minutes left, so methinks that Mark McGrath is about to go back on his word.
OMG OMG. So back in the suite, the ladies are getting ready to watch the men on the TV (which they can do now, apparently) and Nene calls LaToya out and is yelling and the most amazing thing happens: LaToya says, “Nene is all mouth and heighth” That’s right folks, LaToya puts a “th” at the ends of words. It seemed fantastically funny, but maybe this show is just too long. Anyway, she keeps yelling and the other women are like “seriously Nene we all agree with you, now calm the hell down” but then she starts calling LaToya “Casper” and “Ghost” and that seems like a racial slur and now I am uncomfortable…as are the other white women on the team. She goes on to point out that “the only reason (she) made it this far was because of her last name and she’s been faking it for 50 years.” DAMN Nene talks a big game.
YEAH she does. Nene brings the entertainment. MORE NENE. Which reminds me: Can we get Janice Dickinson on this show? Can you imagine anything more delightful?
Err, while I would totally love that, Ms. Janice was not looking too great last time I saw her on Celebrity Rehab. I could see that being more sad times then crazy times.
Oh noes! That makes me sad.
Back to business. Mark McGrath actually stands by his earlier statement and says since he came up with the theme and that’s why they lost that he should be fired. Meat rushes to his defense (with tears, of course) and says that Gary should go. Meat and Gary go back and forth like children and you can see the mounting rage in Meat’s face. Lil’ John agrees that Gary is a problem. John Rich even quotes an upsetting exchange between Gary and Trumpy from last week (Good memory, John Rich). Now, I’ll admit that Gary makes me uncomfortable, but they are saying SUPER mean things about him right to his face and I mean, the guy might act nuts 99% of the time, but he seems to be that extra 1% lucid and it is rather heartbreaking. They even bring up the earlier “sexual” comment and frankly, if I were Gary, I would quit because there is no way he can work with these guys ever again without it coming to fisticuffs.
Hehe. Fisticuffs.
☺
Mark McGrath brings himself and Gary back to the boardroom (shocker!). Mark McGrath says that it’s “nothing personal.” Gary smiles evilly.
That sounds truly frightening.
Trumpster begins with, “So Gary, did you say something a little bit on the terrible side to Tommy Sue,” which is the most hilarious way to describe it. (I give Trump a point for phrasing on that one.) And Gary denies it…which is weird. Gary, cameras. They throw the word “sexual” around a bit. Gary is asked to defend himself and says he shouldn’t be fired because he is a, “good force of nature” and instead of laughing at the crazy, like usual, Trumpster starts to question what that means and won’t let Gary articulate the crazy message.
Woah baby! (As Michelle Tanner would say.) Mark McGrath, you’re fired!
In the end Trumpy couldn’t let Mark McGrath go back on his original word (and lose the viewers that only tune in to watch Gary be nuts). He does tell Gary that he needs to “shape up” like 8,000 times before they leave.
The taxi interview is not noteworthy.
Unfortunately Hulu giveth no scenes.
Special Challenge of this Episode: How many times can we use the word “box”…If I were a better person I would watch it again and count.
Nothing is worth that, Amanda. Please, don’t do it.
No worries.
